Ich bin der Spaß den Gott sich macht

This is so disgusting

FIRST:  Mr Brian touched Nicola's fake boob. I got jealous that Mr Brian had not put his big hands all over my real boobs. I should offer them if I ever see him, in case he has forgotten what real boob feels like. TOUCHMYBOOBPLZ XD

SECOND:

OH MY GOD

Someone (i.e. me) needs a really long, COLD SHOWER.

Mr Brian was just on TV getting a massage from George Takei.

OH MY GOD.

He was touching Mr Brian's breasts (and they are nice breasts XD).

And then he started to massage his back and got Mr Brian to lie down on his front and he proper massaged him and OH MY GOD.

MR BRIAN STARTED MAKING SEX NOISES.

OH MY GOD


OH MY FUCKING GOD


YOU HAVE NO IDEA

OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

SUCH HOT DREAMS TONIGHT PLZ BRAIN

And then Mr Brian goes "thanks for that" and George was like... "It was my pleasure *creepy perv look* REALLY my pleasure....hehehehe"

OH MY GOD

OH MY GOD

YES

I need to find a fucking asf converter that WORKS so I can convert this and show you all *_*

LOL

OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK

I just spend £50 on JanetStore 9_9

But on the plus side, that really is all my Xmas shopping done for this year.  I have stuff coming from Ebay as well... that was just stupid though. I needed an extra thing for Kate but I didn't think about it and remember that I'd already bought something else from JS :\  But it doesn't matter.  It's done now and I can get to writing lists for everyone and their presents and which cards they are getting and boxing half of them up for posting. I'll probably post international pressies as soon as December starts, just to make sure they get there on time.

( I'm a Celebrity )

I'm really ill still. I keep getting dizzy spells because I'm so hot, and I haven't eaten in a couple of days but I somehow look fatter than before :\  My face is all massive and skanky. I haven't washed because I don't want to get out of the shower and be cold and make everything worse because I hate drying off (I KNOOOOOOW).... I haven't been able to sleep and I'm all bunged up and my throat hurttttts *whinewhine*

Hey look, nudie Brian is in the newspaper LOL!  I love that the paper say he's doing it for attention... and then this comment:

He´s having a shower.
Is he supposed to be wearing anything?

lol... well... I don't, when I shower o-o!  It's soooo funny to read the comments - you can tell it's the Fail!  Apparently, him showering naked is "promoting homosexuality"!!! 

You don't get the same bitchings when the women shower nude, or wearing thongs (which is as good as naked)... and he didn't edit the show, so he didn't have a choice to put it on TV :\  I don't understaaaaaand why showering naked is weird XD  And why it's attention seeking, unless... he asked them to put it on TV? Maybe I asked them without knowing.  I assumed everyone showered naked/mostly naked...which is why they didn't show it (and only showed hot young women in bikinis taking showers, promoting heterosexuality >O) ?! Obviously I was wrong XD

Having said that, Mr Brian did turn me gay... no wait. That's not right. Erm...

I don't feel so good so it's time for a perving post.  Perv perv perv. 

Unfortunately, Mark is going to be dancing the... Paso Doble Saturday. CRY. He's going to have to dance half naked to stay in this week D:

No wait, that's not D: !!! That's :DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!! Oh no maybe it is D:... I don't like men dancing like that... it's skanky. And he has marvellously giant hands, which always look stupid so I dunno. Maybe it is D: after all...

And omg. On It Takes Two today... omg adorableness of doom. He was saying that the Paso was a domineering dance, that he had to get really angry and aggressive and that he was tall and powerful looking physically... but inside he is "just a TEDDY BEAR"!!!

WAHOMGOMGOMGILUMARK.

omgilovehimsohard. Do I love him or this monkey best though... Can't decide! Obviously I don't want to hump the monkey ((O_O)) but it's so insanely cute I want to squish it and cuddle it and love it for eternity <3 That monkey is amazing.

He's on It Takes Two tomorrow .... guuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh he is so gorgeous *eyes water with fangirl love* *can't breathe* omg *perv perv perv* I think this can count as a prawnography post.

( PERV TEIMZ SORREH )

Becks told me that both she and her brother knew I'd like him because when they saw him they thought he looked like Brian Paddick's & Right Said Fred's lovechild. D:  Only Right Said Fred because of the skanky (but hot >>) shirt on Saturday...

OMGWATEVA. He is just... yumyumyum. Awwwwww I'm even gutted that I missed him on that show of tramps Loose Women. He is HOT. Mind you... not sure I'd like to see a bunch of OAP slutwhores crawling and dribbling all over him even though I'm totally going to turn into that when I'm 700 years old like they are >> I hate that programme, it makes my face bleed D:

OH NOES.

OH NOES!!!

OH NOES!!!

HE SUPPORTS CHELSEA!!!

</3

Well that is it, Mark. I hate to break your fragile teddy bear heart (D:) but it's just not going to work out. You suck at life :(

( Now I'll have to marry someone else... ) 
OK I'm still doing the Chinese zodiac things... but I have about 6 letters to write, a form to fill in (it's a fucking LONG one ¬¬) and a doctor appointment to make D:  AND I have to tidy my pig sty of a room for the 2nd time this week @_@

SO. STFU your whining; I'm busy. Perving.  Doing stuff. Important stuff. Like perving clearing my space so I can have a clear mind and see my doctor about my perving problem important stuff.

My Xbox arrived at the service centre yesterday at 8pm.

Today at 9pm I got an Email saying they were shipping it back to me.

Which gives me the impression that they have assumed it's my fault and haven't bothered fixing it.

Which fucks me off.  It's been on a shelf away from ANY heat, never moving... everything clear of it.  And it broke.  How could it be my fault? PISSED. OFF.

I filled in my DLA form... it took fucking ages. It's confusing. I hate it. It stresses me out so much. It's not finished yet, either. I'm going to fill in the last page just repeating how shit my life is with crap handwriting and spelling so I look really retarded and I get my money.  I hate having to tell some stranger about how I don't wash.  It's so stressful and it's just a stupid form. I hate my life. I hate it so much.  I'm too scared to die, which makes me even more pathetic and stupid. *pissed off even more*

I only have £40 in my bank account.  I had £300 last Thursday. Says it all, really.

I'm really quite depressed. Even downloading Mark Foster pervings (i.e. his skanky "dancing" from Saturday just for the hot top) isn't cheering me up.  I can't believe I spent all that money in a matter of days... this is ridiculous, what the fuck is wrong with me?!

I don't have a clue what the fuck is going on with Heroes these days. I give up. It's too fucking annoying to bother with.  I feel shit. Really lonely. I hate this.

Well on the way to the bus stop there were these 2 policemen and of course at first I was just "D:!   I AM GONNA GET ARRESTED FOR WALKING!!

I managed to figure out a way to style my hair that takes longer than I'd like but makes it look ok.  

- The Daily Mail just made me laugh so much. The front page headlines were about binge drinking yobs and the ever-important "Trinny & Susanna" otherwise known as the superbitches. Shows you what kind of "newspaper" that is :P

- Have made no decision re: course. Gonna try to call Share to get an appointment there but I have a feeling that dragging myself to Brixton more than once a week is going to be too much to handle, especially if the training is as dull as it sounds. I got pretty travel sick this morning on the bus to Croydon as well x-x Nobody is being very helpful with advice about that... I even talked to my therapist and she was all "you don't FEEL you can say 'no'?" ... no. I am forbidden from saying 'no'.  For my mother, I have 3 options: 1) Get a job 2) Do a "proper" course i.e. not a free training course for mental cases 3) Fuck off. 

- I'm not ill because I don't have meds, because doctors will give you meds if you're "actually" sick... but I shouldn't take any meds the doctors give me because they tend to dish out meds for "just anyone" ... just in case anyone needed proof that my mother is a fucking moron who knows shit all about anything.  But suffice to say, the constant torrent of emotional abuse / blackmail coupled with the threat of physical abuse makes her opinion 100% valid. 

- Still no CPN or chance of moving out.  My therapist is chasing people up, but next week is my final session so I'm not holding out much hope. Just looking up routes to the nearest bridge over the Thames.  I don't want to end up back where I was a year ago.  There's actually a small part of me that can say I don't deserve this, I am ill, I am better than the person my mother sees, I deserve to be treated PROPERLY and with some fucking RESPECT rather than being filled 100% with self-loathing.  If I am just kicked out of therapy with no other support and not even a place to live away from this witch... it won't be long before I'm back to square one. And that will piss me off. I've worked too fucking hard to be brought back down again. 

- This fat lady sat next to me on the bus and squished me against the side.  I am not exactly thin so trying to squish us onto these poorly designed buses was always going to be...well, a squish.  But she was really squishing me!  But she seemed nice and she laughed and smiled a lot... she had lots of shopping and kept saying sorry for bumping into people and giggling LOL.  She smelled really good as well and I wanted to hug her XD

- ALCOHOL BAN.  In case you didn't know, Mayor Boris Johnson of London, Toff-with-no-idea-how-actual-people-live, has created an alcohol ban. You are not allowed to drink, or carry open containers of alcohol onto public transport. Today, there was a guy drinking beer on the bus!  One could argue that it wasn't real beer, as it was Fosters and that's disgusting, but it is officially classed as beer so it was beer he was drinking.  Apparently, Boris thinks this "law" is enforcable. Today - and the occasions since the ban in which I have seen empty beer cans / alco-pop bottles - sort of proved that this "law" is bullshit, and nothing more than a publicity stunt. Which is kinda totally what I said when he announced it anyway.  But what made me laugh most was that he's funding youth hostels. Fair enough, you think, but he's said that he's taken money from the Metropolitan Police budget to pay for this.  But the alcohol ban is going to be enforced with extra police? Umm...what kind of police? Special PCSOs??? The kind of special that work for £0  a year???

- OMG MY FANDOM PORN ARRIVED ALREADY. One is not fandom porn, just cuteness and nice drawings with Toshiie/Keiji and the other... the other is epic. Has Keiji x Magoichi at the start, has Magoichi's Nobunaga angst, has Kotaro attacks, Sakon and Mitsunari fighting Mitsuhide, Mitsuhide's death, Magoichi's death & Hideyoshi's grief...epic. Such a shame I can't read Japanese XD  I have considered paying someone to translate all my doujinshi but I can't really afford it.  Unless they do it cheap. Which they don't. So I won't XD  But the 2nd is also really, really long :O

- OMG HOTNESS. Seriously. I was on the bus on the way home and I pressed the bell and omg omg omg.  Someone pressed first and I saw this guy in a suit come down the stairs and I didn't look at him at first because all I could see were his legs of course but he stood next to me at the door and he smelled soooooo yum that I turned around (and looked up because obviously I am smaller XD) and omfg I thought I had died and gone to heaven *_* He looked like John Slattery but HOTTER!  dajkhasdih asuidhadhaskkljkfghfghsogh HOTNESS.  I looked away very quickly but omggggggggg... he went the opposite way to me, unfortunately. If I wasn't so tired I would have followed him (he went towards the pond/park) and sat on a bench for a while and gawked at him as he walked away but I was tired and just wanted to go to bed... omg hot hot hot.  Must remember to get that bus every week O_O!!!  I don't know when he got on either, as I was on at the first stop of the route and I didn't notice him the first time. But mmmmm................HEWASSOYUMMERIFFIC.  *dreamland*  Like...hi are you married? If not, do you want a housewifeslave? I can cook and clean real good :O LET'S GET MARRIED OMG.

And that is my fishy... it's a bit more pink than that. Fishy has name. Fishy called Dougie :(

*emotear*

But I do have things that cheered me up. For instance, Amazon have a sale where the Mad Men DVD is cheep cheep. But I still can't afford it because I have to buy clothes, which called for another

*emotear*

BUT I found pics from S2 promos :O  That made me happy.

They are superbly hot, you see. I love Peggy (Elizabeth...something or something?) so the pics of her and OMG JOHN SLATTERY ASKHDASLDJ OFID AIH SDJKLSDjdjsao made me happy XD

( :OOOOOOOO!!! )

Crushing on Don as well but shhhhhhhhhh don't tell :O  And the slag having it off with Roger (lol... I'm so Croydon sometimes XD). I can't remember her name as I only saw about 4 episodes towards the end but yay for her XD

Then, I found some even more brilliantly brilliant stuff. Like armour for your rat or your cat so they can come to war with you!
( stuff to put on your cat/rat )The cooly coolness, y/y?  I can't remember where I found those though, so boo - there were tons more.

Give me a fandom, and I will give you my...

One True Pairing Ship:
Canon Ship:
"If this happens I'll stab my eyes out with a spork" Ship:
"You are one sick bastard" Ship:
"I dabble a little" Ship:
"It's like a car crash" Ship:
"Tickles my fancy but not sold just yet" Ship:
"Makes no canon sense but why the Hell not" Ship:
"Everyone else loves it but I just don't feel it" Ship:
"When all is said and done" Ship:

Give me a fandom, and I will give you my...
1. Bake cupcakes for:
2. Trust with the keys to my car:
3. Put thumbtacks on the chair thereof:
4. Have a crush on:
5. Pack up and leave if they moved next door:
6. Vote for President:
7. Pick as my partner in a buddy movie:
8. Pair up:
9. Vote off the island and into the volcano:
10. Wheedle into fixing my MP3 player:

I want thisssssssssssss.....

Plus a huge poster of John Slattery as he appears in my icon plzzzzzz.

So much sex ;0;

HEY. My mother just came back from the GP surgery and oh LOL, the nurse who works there has said that there have been LOTS of complaints about my favouritist person in the world before even Boris Johnson and Gordon Brown... Dr Thawda Win! 



Well, there was no time limit on it so while she's stressed out with other complaints, I might just take her up on that offer. Anyone want to come with me?  Heh. I might just write to the PCT and demand something be done to get the worst doctor I have ever encountered in my life to be sacked WITHOUT a pension.  Because SHE deserved that pay rise a few years back!  Not the police, oh HELL NOES.  Let's give money to GPs who just refer you to other people... half the time it's the surgery nurse (who also don't deserve great pay, btw) but what the hell. PAY RISE TO GPs!

Pff.

Anyway, it pleases me to know lots of other people hate her as well.  But it is quite amusing that when I complained about her to my sister, and my mother overheard, I was being melodramatic and stupid and an attention seeker and Dr Win "wasn't that bad" and "it's just the way she is" ... but as soon as one of her friends (who don't exist, btw, as she has no friends) says it... suddenly she's desperate to change GPs!  Just shows how much she thinks of me!

Otherwise... I need the following things:
- Indoor water feature
- Oil burner
- Little indoor cute plant

I'm thinking of selling my Balthier/Fran poster in favour of Basch/Penelo/Vaan... there's not enough space for both and Balthier has a creepy similarity to my old cat.  I also want an Altair poster and I'm getting rid of Optimus Prime. It's the cruddy movie version anyway... I wish there was a G1 Starscream... I really fucking hate the Decepticons in the films >( 

Anyway... time to tidy. I failed yesterday because I was scanning in stationery XD BAI.

I got myself a letter letter AND the Pop Tarts today from my USA penpal :D Strawberry ones, and the Skanky American Poo Fudge flavour lol! I'm trying them tomorrow so I'll let you all know how well they go down XD

I had dinner today anddddddd I will probably wash as well later. I went to therapy in my pyjama top and I haven't washed in about a week :\ I usually wash at least before I go out but... not this time. I dunno. I just sort of forgot o_O; Now you all know what a skank I am. 

I've decided to not buy anything I don't actually *need* for the next two months. I should have been doing that anyway, but I'm a retard so I've been buying stationery. I also got some Tea Guy stickers coming my way! 100 of them so yay for Tea Guy!  I'm going to buy some ink for my printer and posh paper in the sales to print of happy pics to put on my wall of ummm Brian being a pimp and a policeman, Reeve Tuesti (he makes me smiiiiiiiiile), Ondore, Basch... and sell my other FFXII poster. I might even sell my Auron poster because... it's not that great.  I have to keep my Cid one though... that's just too super hot. Sitting there all sexy with his phallic spear looking all moody and contemplative and sexy with those sexy jeans and that jacket around his waist all gay and those sexy leather gloves and his big sexy funky nose... mmm.... Cid...

blah blah blah therapy blah blah blah.  The bus was really stressful... why do people need to yell so loudly when they're on the phone? Why do teenagers think it's ok to just push people out of the way to get on the bus first?  Why do foreigners ALWAYS HAVE TO SHOUT?  Sure, there's stuff telling people not to play their music loudly... where is the stuff telling people NOT TO YELL AT EACH OTHER FOR NO GOOD REASON HI I AM LESS THAN ONE FOOT AWAY FROM YOU BUT I HAVE GOT TO YELL AT YOU AS THOUGH WE ARE AT THE TOP OF A MOUNTAIN CAN YOU HEAR ME OK? 

Plus, the bus was fucking disgusting anyway. Just for a change *rolls eyes* All that money spent on having LED displays about where the bus is stopping next, and a FUCKING ANNOYING loudspeaker system (which is completely unnecessary anyway) to repeat it all but... nobody to clean the fucking thing? Right.

Anyway, I bought a Mirco SD card for my phone, which sounds retarded but I can't cope with The Outside if I don't have headphones in, and if they're not connected to anything I still feel nervous and anxious because I think people can tell that I'm pretending to not-hear them XD  Anyway, I can also use it in my mp3 player which I HOPE will be arriving back within a month ¬¬  So that's good. It's 2GB to add to the 4GB I already have.  Means I can put all my CDs onto my mp3 player and not bother with a CD player. I was going to get one in the post office the other day (it was a purple Bush "boom box" haha) for £13 but I didn't have enough money. With my £7 SD card I don't need to bother so yay.  Just... rip everything onto the computer, keep the CD and put it onto mp3.

I wish Oxfam would leave me alone. I feel victimised and bullied. Fuck off, Oxfam.  Stop killing trees by posting me junk I don't want. I hate you. I hate you so much. You are never getting a penny from me. I hate you.   Oxfam stresses me out so much, I hate the way they just pounce on you when you're trying to go about your daily business, the way they just ignore the fact that you're in a conversation, on the phone, reading etc etc.. they just walk up to you and butt in, and tell you they don't want any money but can we have all your personal details so we can phone you and Email you and write to you and ask for your money? And you can't say no, because they twist it all around so that you end up giving them everything anyway. And if you're a naturally anxious person you just give them what they want so they'll fuck off!  It's so rude.  I hate Oxfam.

Not as much as I hate Bono or Bob Geldof but I still hate them.

...that stationery cost me $50 D: I did get quite a lot... and shipping was only $20 (unlike the $37 you want to charge me, shopkawaii.comfuckfacebastards ¬¬).... I won't know until after the weekend whether or not the wallet I want is in stock. I hope it is though :( I shall take a magical picture of it all when/if it arrives T_T

Also, Sansa FINALLY got off their fucking backsides to Email me back so I can return my mp3 player for a replacement. The only problem is that I have to foot the fucking postage for it! And it won't be cheap, since I don't trust them I have to pay for the international tracking which is at least £4! Well, I suppose a fiver for a new mp3 player isn't that bad... I mean, they don't really HAVE to replace it. They could be total dicks about it... they could be Micro$oft about it... "IT IS NOT OUR FAULT IT IS YOUR FAULT FUCK OFF AND DIE IN A DITCH LOLLERCOASTER WE HAVE YOUR MONEY NOW, FUCKFACE!!!" But they're not. So... meh.

Just means I'm in trouble now D: I don't know how to cope outside without my mp3 player. I was even thinking of going into Croydon today, buying an SD card for my PHONE so I could use that next week! Ughghghghgh but I hate Croydon so bad, and it's Saturday as well and I don't have the money to do that D: I didn't go anyway... I am going to just try and fit one song onto my phone - Dessous le pont de Nantes by Saltatio Mortis. It's short and one of my current favourites that I just can't get enough of. It makes me want to dance :D You can download the song, rather than watch the video I found... they're really quite scary to look at *trauma*


I'm also going to have a really dumb SW quote as my message tone. I haven't decided which one yet, it's a 100 KO quote or an officer defeated quote. I wanted Kanetsugu because he's a twat who amuses me with his justice bullshit, but then I was afraid that my phone saying it had slain another in the name of justice would make people think I was a terrorist so... I'm going to find something a little milder D:

I just spent £20 on Amazon as well.. all this "I AM NOT SPENDING MY MONEY THIS MONTH" bollocks. What exactly is wrong with me? Even as I placed the order, my brain was going "uhm, hi, we have no money?" ... SHUT UP, BRAIN! I bought Viva Pinata (lol amanohashi  I am so easily influenced XD) and FMA movie... and in doing so, I supported the Lib Dems. They have a funky little link on their website... I dunno. That place makes me laugh. It's so yellow and nasty XD But I do want Lib Dem balloons... then again, if I like something I'll always want it on a balloon. Unless it's someone's face... because that would be creepy.

Brian, honey. Your next suit needs to be shiny bright purple, and I demand that you wear a shiny gold watch and diamond rings with it and send me photos of you wearing it all sitting in a giant gold and purple throne - one of you facing head-on, and the other slightly to the side with one leg over one arm of the chair like a manwhore.  That might cheer me up.  Or, Squeenix need to make such an image of Ondore being all pimpy and hot for my pleasure.

  Brian. I love you. But your current pimp level is failing. 

First of all, I STILL haven't heard back from the DWP about my benefits so that's stressing me out. Secondly, my Pankunchi set hasn't arrived... which is just annoying because Pankunchi is cuteness and will cheer me up. Thirdly, I am too hot.  I wish I meant that in the John Slattery way. Fourth - I have SIX sessions left with my therapist.

I felt absolutely dreadful on so many levels all day today. Ughhh it was too bright outside, I couldn't deal with it. Last session, my therapist told me to "take care of myself" ... which I have been doing by sleeping badly, eating badly, smoking and drinking more and watching crap TV.

I had to go to Sainsbury's today... it was ok. I rarely get panic attacks in supermarkets now, even if they're new because most of the time they're organised properly. There are some things that set me off, but if I go early they rarely happen. I walked there, with an awful headache. I figured it would go away after a cup of tea (since I've made myself reliant on caffeine) but I got home, had some food and a cup of tea... no.

My head has been pounding all day, and my eyes were so sore... I thought I was just hot and tired so I went to bed... where I stayed from about 11am until 5pm. I did not get any sleep. Every time I opened my eyes they watered uncontrollably and forced themselves shut! I tried to sit outside in the garden to wake myself up, but it was too bright and my eyes couldn't deal with it and I got dizzy and fell over. My head hurt so bad, I had cramps and BOTH my hips were aching like mad (usually it's just my right hip so YAY for both of them breaking!) and I was soooooooo tired but no sleep. Not until 3 cups of tea, 1 Bueno, 3 stages of Warriors Orochi (I figured playing Wu-ites would tire me out because they all suck :P)... I went to bed at 630pm and finally got another hour of sleep. Huzzah. My eyes still feel weird but my headache is gone so now I'm just boiling hot and achey.

I was cheered up by a few things though:
1) Yay, Internet friends :)
2) Pankunchi letter sets arriving soon! 2x off Ebay, 2x from a store suggested to me by quinesale - thank you soooooo much!
3) Got "Favourite thing of Black Cat" stationery set ... just... lol. Black Cat XD Also came with my panda policeman stickers, and some chocolate scented teddy stickers... haha.
4) Lots more stickers, postcard letters, strange Japanese stationery sets and a weird cow bookmark are still to come :)
5) Cheeeeeese. Tommy... he's gone a bit wrong: Cheese is a kind of meat! A tasty yellow beef! I milk it from my teet, but I try to be discreet! Ohhhhhhhhh cheese! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh cheese!
6) Bumming about on Farcebook feeling sorry for myself and wondering who the fuck Maria was, I found something that put a smile on my face... I haven't had a free smile in a while. All smiles of late have cost moneys but this was free!

( Read more... )

This, coupled with new LJ layout of hotness (John Slattery in those geeky glasses just... superhot) got me in the mood for Internet stalkery, so I went looking for Brian and Franka.

What I like about searching for images of musicians (singers, mainly) and politicians and basically anyone who makes speeches publicly... is the way you can find the juiciest images. The Internet has some weird things if you lack a life and can sit around being creepy. I looked at an photo gallery that was all about David Cameron's hair, found a scary cartoon of Brian, Boris, Ken and Sian before discovering a really disgusting pizza. I also discovered that Mr Brian is weird and goes swimming in open-air pools in the snow (although this makes me bwee, being a fan of freezing coldness XD), likes Gucci and Jesus (possibly not together), wants a new sofa and has a nice table in his kitchen.

Internet is a magical place.

( Read more... )

I need to suck up the fact that I am always going to be "low priority" when it comes to my mental health. I know there are people worse off than me, and they should get help before I do. However, I also know that there are people who have it far easier than I do, getting far more efficient and effective help than I am, and that makes me a bitter and twisted old hag.

What frustrates me is that depression and phobias can be relatively simple to treat. By that, I mean that they know how to do it and so the route to recovery is relatively simple. And yet, this appears to be valid reason to cut funding and withdraw the help. Rather than increasing the funding, and getting us back into full-time work (where most of us want to be), the government concentrates on forcing us all back into part time work whether we're ready or not, dropping us in and out of the benefits system, in and out of the employment sector without any real help or advice on the transition from either of them, and no support while we're in work to enable us to cope with staying there longer. They don't seem to quite understand that struggling with taxes, bills and rent is really not helpful for someone with depression or anxiety - especially one who has been forced into work because the government assumes there's nothing wrong with them. It's only mental health, after all. They don't quite understand that the increased pressure of work, and the increasing financial stress (being that all benefits are immediately cut) for someone with severe depression and anxiety is only going to worsen the problem, making them more likely to stop going to work. Again.

( why everyone else sucks )

---

I am tired of being told I'm a strong person, because I know I'm not. Being told how strong I am makes me feel like a fraud. ( why *I* suck )

Well... my organs are playing up again. They are hurting on and off on and off... it's weird and hurty but of course it's not the pain that is getting to me, but the irregularity of it all. I like schedules, dammit. I hate this randomness of pain. Endo is definitely back... my body told me so today.

I am seriously stressed out and have been for the last few weeks. I hadn't noticed it until yesterday, but that "hummmmm" I do when I'm stressed is back, and being used at the most inane things. I just don't feel well at all right now, physically or emotionally. Bleck. I want to snuggle up to snuggly Ieyasu <3

My therapist keeps talking about "the end".  Apparently, I'm on a time limit to recovery... she never says when it is going to end, but the fact that she has mentioned me not coming back in the last few weeks makes me feel awful.  I am now just going into therapy because I have to, not because I want to get better.  The more I read Brian's book, the more I go to therapy, the more I encounter other people... the worse I feel about myself.  I am just turning into a horrible, bitter, miserable and envious mess.

About a month later and the DWP haven't sent anything back re: the claim form I sent to them.  I have £60 in my bank account. I have to live with my parents. I have heard nothing from my CPN, not that I can currently afford to get there anyway.  I feel desolate and isolated and pressurised into forcing myself into doing things I'm not ready to do just because my therapist keeps talking about the end of our sessions.

Why am I on a time limit?  Why do I have to get better within whatever time it is the government thinks I should? Why do I have to struggle with a limited income and be denied any help with travel to get to the only places that can help me get better?  My therapist keeps saying "oh WHY don't you go and help the Lib Dems do the little things with their posters and envelopes?" Well, lady, because I can't fucking afford to take risks like that.  Financially, mentally, physically. I nearly fell into the fucking road when I went to the Lib Dem Q&A because I was so anxious. I can't afford to be paying £7 per day for that pleasure again.

The government keeps going on about getting people off benefits... well you know what? I WANT to be off benefits. I WANT to get a job and I WANT enough money to LIVE but no.  I've got time-limited therapy, and have to struggle and fight and bitch and chew my GP's face off to get it.  It's like having one treatment for your cancer and then the NHS just waves you goodbye with an "oh well, too bad it didn't work out! SEE YA!"  The more time I spend getting therapy and dealing with the DWP and NHS, the more I realise just how fucking SHIT it is. No wonder so many people with mental health problems end up stabbing people or killing themselves (I can see myself doing both at some point in the future so HAHAHA ISN'T THAT FUNNY). There's no money or resources or willingness to do any damned thing about it. Yves Saint-Lauren had depression... yeah, and? Still nobody pays attention.  Luckily for him, he could afford private therapy for as long as he fucking wanted if he wished it.  I can barely afford my NHS therapy! AND THAT IS FREE.